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Insecure?
Insecure? / Dating / 4:42 AM - Monday May 12, 2008
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(Female, 29-35) asked:


My boyfriend was deported. We were dating for 3 years. He has been gone now a year and can't come back for another 2. I really miss him and love him and want to make a future with him whether it be here or where he is at. I call him everyday. He says he doesn't need to speak to me everyday, that he is trying to get his life in order and that my calling him creates more stress and confusion because I always want to talk about where we stand when he says he doesn't even know where he stands with himself right now. He says he has future plans for us, but can't speak to them because he doesn't know what is happening in his own life right now. The thing is that I miss him and I want to speak to him daily, but he says that he feels I am insecure because of that and it bothers him. Any thoughts?




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A Thinker (Female, 22-25, Military) answered:

Screenname: misssparkle


STOP calling him like that everyday the reason that he gave are very valid. Im sure that he is stressed out after bering deported and now he has to start living there all over again. You may want to know where you stand with him, but right now he really needs to be worried about him and not about you. If you care about him put your need to the side for now and give him some space and time to think and sort things out,rebuild his life. If this process is just to much for you then you need to go your seperate ways.

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A Thinker (Female, Philadelphia, 46-55, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: experience101


You have my sympathies on this one. I was almost engaged to a guy years ago who was stationed in Nebraska in the Air Force (I'm on the east coast), and I used to do the same - called him almost every day, sent letters and little gifts, etc. (there was no e-mail back then). He had the same reaction - getting upset, saying that he had things to do and that I didn't need to call so often. One day he even blew up at me because he was in the middle of his favorite TV program and I called. I decided to pay him a visit, and found out he'd lied to me about a lot of things, and once I returned home, I called him and told him it was officially over. It could be that your boyfriend really misses you and the daily phone calls make him feel worse about the situation, or he's decided to go on with his life in his country. You didn't say where he's from, but men from some foreign countries tend to view women as second class citizens, and he might not have put the same value on the relationship as you did. I myself have been married twice to foreigners, so I know of where I speak. Please feel to write back - I can fill you in on some of the things that happened which would take me too much time right now.

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A Father Figure (Male, 36-45, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: springbreaker


I think you need to go plan a surprise visit for him; seeing you will cheer him up immensely and clarify in his own mind how he feels about you. Remember, don't even give him an inkling of your visit until you show up unannounced on his front door. See if you can arrange to drop by at about whatever is dinner time in his country, that way you'll maybe get to meet the rest of his family, like his mom and his dad and his wife :(

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, 36-45, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: atenderheart42


Do as he asks. If you are causing him more stress and worries you are creating negatives thoughts and feeling about you with him. Leave him alone and let him call you when he needs to for a while. Or find out how often he wants you to call and abide by his wishes.

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A Thinker (Female, 46-55, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: butternutbisque


This is sad indeed but listen to him. He is being honest and needs space. If you love him create it and move on. Honestly unless you move there, there is no future for the next two years anyway.

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A Rebel (Male, Detroit, 29-35, Executive) answered:

Screenname: beautifulloser


every day? in different countries? and you're not a panicy 18 year old school girl? yes, every day is way to much, and shoot, i would not want to talk to anyone everyday about the same fecking thing that neither one of us can do anything about right now

he is setting himself up to be able to break it off and move on otherwise he would be asking about you coming to live with him

either way, everyday, way to much, every two to three days would be good with me, and don't talk about the same thing, talking everyday like that would only start to push me away from you

just my thoughts

aloha

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A Thinker (Female, 46-55, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: spitfire815


Yeah, stop calling him everyday.....
Let him get his life situated first, & then he could answer ur questions....Give him space....

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