Confused and Sad

Confused and Sad / Married Life / 3:55 PM - Friday May 16, 2008

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A Married Girl (Female, Chicago, 22-25, Other Profession) asked:

What do you do when you start to question the person that you married?

I am having a hard time with my husband who is in Iraq. WE FIGHT all the time. I am not happy. I know that he is not. Before he left we were SO HAPPY together. I don't know what to do or whats going on Im so confused.

Update: May 19, 2008.
Just wanted to say Thank you ONCE AGAIN. And yes i too believe it is stress and the fact that we can not be the way we used to. I just want him home. Reading your responses helped me a lot and I want to say that you so much for your support and even though most of you don't know what it's like you still took the time to understand me.

Update: May 16, 2008.
sorry for all m updates. I just wanted to thanks all of you that were supportive. it is really hard and I guess when we got married I DID not know how hard it would be. This is all new to me and being away from him is harder then any other pain I have endured. Thanks for the support and the eye openers.

Update: May 16, 2008.
I can not read all of these b/c I am balling and for those of you who called me an ATTENTION WHORE (Buffer ) I am far from that... I guess no one really understands how much this hurts people.

Update: May 16, 2008.
WHO THE HELL SAID IT WAS ME FIGHTING WITH HIM> I AM SUPPORTIVE> YOU KNOW SOME PEOPLE ON HERE ARE REAL ASSHOLES. THANKS TO THE SUPPORTIVE REPLYS PH AND YES I AM YELLING

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A Mr. Married Guy (Male, New York, 36-45, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: cmgr

I cant imagine how difficult it must be for the two of you to be apart by so many miles. If you were happy before he was stationed in Iraq then you are just missing the hell out of each other. Hang in there and just think about the day you will be putting your arms around him when he lands back on American soil!!

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A Hip-Hop Girl (Female, 36-45, Administrative) answered:

Screenname: cocoacurevelous

You two are stressed over the separation and him being at war...don't do anything rash. Pray to God for patience and strength and that your husband comes home safely as so many people's spouses don't...It's not easy for either of you and I can sympathize...Take care and I'll say a prayer for the two of you....

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A Thinker (Female, San Diego, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: silver75

Sorry, some idiots obviously had a long hard week and wanted to take it out on someone...I feel bad for you. It has to be really hard to have your husband in a different country and really tough knowing he is in a dangerous area. At the same time it has to be hard for him to be so far away from home and in stressful situations. Just try to remember the good times you had before he left and hope that those feelings all come back when he returns. I think it is the distance between you that is the problem. When he comes back you should be fine.

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A Thinker (Female, 46-55) answered:

Screenname: jenny12

This is not the time to question. He's overseas and you are home. You are seperated. WAIT. Don't do anything for now. Support him and see how things are when he gets back. He's going through shiz right now that you can't even imagine and he's homesick, missing you, and may not be all that well right now. Just...wait.

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Philadelphia, 36-45, Political / Government) answered:

Screenname: ddkk

I have hard times with my wife.

She is still and will continue to be - my wife.

Period end of story.

Apply this to yourself. Never stray - causes to much damage.

|| DK ||

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A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, 56-65, Technical) answered:

Screenname: drumboi2

LDRs are stressful to begin with. Add to the mix a serviceman in a war zone and you have quadrupled it...on both persons.

If I were you...I'd seek out some professional help. Your doctor would be a good start, or a minister if you are a person of faith. I am sure there are reps in the Armed Forces who would be more than willing to steer you toward a wives support group. Please get some help. You owe it to yourself and your man.

This is how a 'Dear John' letter begins...LONG before it is actually written.

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A Thinker (Female, 46-55, Executive) answered:

Screenname: catscratch

It's so sad to see how many marriages get ruined by this stupid war.
It's hard on both of you to be apart, but try to hang in there til he gets home.

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A Guy Critical (Male, San Francisco, 46-55, Retired) answered:

Screenname: horsefeatures

My dear, Please give him a break. He's putting his life on the line.....every single minute that he's there. Allow him the comfort of knowing that you're the one thing he's got to look forward to......and he feels so secure with that, that at times he's probably unreasonable and often, I'd guess, very bitchy, without even realizing it.

Only those who've been there can comprehend the stress level they're under. Try to understand that, and I'll bet he'll be a different guy when he returns.

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A Career Man (Male, Chicago, 46-55, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: stringjammer

He's a soldier in a war zone. There is no way possible that you can fathom what he goes through. It's not your job to understand. It's your job to be patient and loving, and hopeful that he'll return. Confusion will reign until he returns. I know it's tough for you too, just waiting and worrying all the time. I don't envy you at all. And, if I remember correctly, he's got a long way to go before her returns. It's tough for you. But, don't argue with him. Bring him peace. And, if he's always grumpy and beligerent with you, just pray. Hold him in your heart. Don't get pulled into fights. This is an extraordinarilly hard situation for both of you. And, if you get lonely, don't stray!!! Stay true. Hope! Pray! Try to be at peace. My daughter's boyfriend has been over in Iraq since November. It's not a fun dance for anyone. But, you can do it!

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A Guy Critical (Male, Seattle, 46-55, Managerial) answered:

Screenname: bookman

Don't do ANYTHING right now. You're both in a very stressful situation. I know. I was married while I was in the Navy. The cruises were hard on both of us. And we weren't even at war, except for the last one.

Please try to be understanding of him, and explain to him that you just miss him so much that it's hard to act normally. You BOTH need to give the other a break.

Be well!

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A Cool Mom (Female, 26-28) answered:

Screenname: martiniolive

There are alot of assholes on here....Hope all is well with you and your hubby. :( I dont know how to respond as I dont have any experience in this manner.

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A Cool Mom (Female, St.Louis, 29-35, Retail) answered:

Screenname: elizabethmom05

I can't say I know how you feel because I've never been in your situation, I'm sure it's very hard for you, and him. Maybe, he is under a lot of stress being in a war and not with you as your husband, and you're stressing because I'm sure your afaraid something will happen to him (I pray that it doesn't).

Don't listen to these assholes on here, they are just trying to get you riled up and need to grow up!

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An Alternative Girl (Female, New York, 18-21, Consulting) answered:

Screenname: whosthatgirl13

I just read your responses and updates and it seems like people are being real a*holes to you, thats super lame. Personally I think that marriage is a lot harder than people think (I, myself not being married can't really relate) BUT I feel like maybe the distance is just putting a strain on you guys right now. Maybe when he comes home things will get worked out naturally. Don't worry about the assholes, people are just lame and have nothing better to do.

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A Rebel (Male, Toronto, Who Cares?, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: kyora

i bet it's tough, hang in there and try and perservere. Keep yourself busy with other things so you don't have the time to think about him. Maybe if you're feeling lonely send him an e-mail or write something for him, when you send a letter spray it with some perfume. Good luck

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A Career Woman (Female, Sacramento, 46-55, Technical) answered:

Screenname: sassysamrai

Your situation is a difficult one. I know if you were together, things would be so different for you guys. You are miserable because he's gone and all he wants to do is argue with you, right? That makes you f*%*ing bananas cause you don't know why you guys are fighting, just that both are miserable. I can only guess about your man, but he's probably worried about you being alone, you having too much fun without him...etc. etc...but, remember it's not that he doesn't love you, or miss you, it's more likely he's scared...(of)whether he'll be able to see you again...if he's going to live to see another day...what horrible things he's being asked to do there ie: shooting humans..etc. etc. whatever his (our) country is asking him to do has to be done or its courtmartial ..list goes on. Just be patient and whatever you two decide, wait until he gets back before making any decisions. Keep your conversations light...be silly try to bring up his spirits and hopefully he'll start doing the same.
good luck.

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A Career Woman (Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: kypevans

okay, he has the stress of being in a war zone, you have the stress of being the sole caretaker to your two children, plus all of the responsibilities at home, both of you are stressed about being apart from each other and not together as a family. All very stressful, but if you were so happy before he left, you can regain that happiness when he returns and you have to have FAITH that he will. Be patient, because it will take some time, but don't give up on your marriage.

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A Thinker (Female, New York, 29-35, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: zahararica

I know exactly how you feel. I have been through the same thing. Had a pretty great relationship that deteriorated more and more as my ex spent nearly three years in Iraq. PM me if you want to talk privately. People who have not been through this have no idea how complex and painful it can be.

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A Guy Critical (Male, 36-45) answered:

Screenname: tiger8urkat

(((HUG HUG)))

Tiger
:")

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A Creative (Female, 36-45, Student) answered:

Screenname: fastball

I can totally understand what you both must be going through...he probably has the fear of being killed and never seeing you again and you have the fear he won't return...that in itself can cause havoc for any marriage/relationship because these are fears that cannot be addressed or talked about openly...you need to find someone you can talk with and someone who can help you find ways to deal with all that has happened to you and your husband...it's hard to have him there and you here, but you have to realize that he's doing this for you and him and that when he returns, you can start focusing on one another again...maybe finding something other than the separation to focus on would be better because it seems that this is the main reason you are both having a hard time...I hope you find the help you need and hope that your marriage can survive this difficult time...take care sweetie and don't ever allow another person to make you feel badly for how you are feeling because they just don't understand all that you are going through...:D

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An Alternative Girl (Female, Washington, DC, 26-28, Teaching) answered:

Screenname: pregunta

hey girl, hang in there. I have LDR and it does suck. How much longer is he in Iraq? With him over there, it is really hard to make a choice about the future of your relationship. Can you move closer to other family or friends? It may get better when he comes home. Be there for him but if he doesn't treat you right, it's time to move on. Although Iraq is such a hard place to be right now. I really respect men like your hubby who are serving our country!

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A Life of the Party (Female, 18-21, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: surovcak

It happens when things get rough yall are both upset and missing each other so yall are also takin it out on eaching..It'll get better when he comes home and a lot of yalls stress is eliminated, just stick in there it gets better! Good luck w/everything!

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An Alternative Girl (Female, 18-21) answered:

Screenname: xxpandoraxx

It sounds like you're both in a situation you don't want to be in and you're both just stressed and unhappy, that's probably why you're fighting. I think you should both try to find someone else to vent to so that when you talk to each other maybe you can enjoy the time you have together, also, try getting to the bottom of why the two of you are really upset and talk about that in a calm way, that might help. If you both understand where the other is coming from and you can empathize with each other a lot of the fighting will probably go down and it will probably bring the two of you closer together. It has to be hard for him to be in such a stressful and dangerous environment and it has to be hard for you to miss him and worry about him all the time. You guys can make it through this though, and when you do think about how much stronger your relationship will be for it.

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A Thinker (Female, 29-35) answered:

Screenname: piggywiggy

It is probably because he is in a war zone, and would rather be home with you. He is probably angry at the situation, not with you. Hope everything works out! Pray....It Works!

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A Thinker (Female, 46-55, Retired) answered:

Screenname: ivoryfresh

Wait and fight with the man when he gets home. He has other things on his mind right now... one of which is to stay safe. Of course you're unhappy and so is he but he has NO control over his situation at the moment. YOUR job is to be loving and supportive... NOT fighting with him. You need to grow up and stop thinking of just yourself.

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